SHE's here!

Just a quick pause to introduce you to Gabrielle Shae, born 3/25/15 at 8 lbs. 5 oz.! Now, go give your mom a hug because childbirth HURTS! I'm off to nap...

Bumpdate: Week 39 (The '40 divided by 4 = WTF' edition)

Wait. It's going to come out of where???

Nine months. Nine months. Nine months. That's all you ever hear. There was even that movie with Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore... which I thought I liked, but there's a scene where Julianne's character tries to get rid of Hugh's character's cat because she's totally jelly that it's way cuter than her and her baby. Or maybe it was because she had an irrational fear of toxoplasmosis (which, FYI, she was much more likely to get from contaminated produce or meat at her fictional grocery store). Either way, two paws down. But back to business: "nine" months are actually ten, kinda like how "morning" sickness is any damn time sickness. Dick move, preggy books.

Baby is the Size of a... mini watermelon. Ahem... mini?

Swell Hell: Le sigh. It's hard to give the middle finger when you have no feeling in it.

Weight Gain: I stopped counting.

Sleep: Well, the finish line is in sight and I still find that giant U-shaped body pillow (the one that all the preggy books said I HAD TO HAVE) to be a cumbersome, suffocating, overpriced, unnecessary, pain in my ass.

I'm looking forward to... what do you think?!? (I mean, besides pizza night.)

Bumpdate: Week 34

Thirty-four... and how many more?

If This Baby Was in the Produce Department, It Would... weigh between four and five pounds. Because I am capable of comprehending weights without comparing them to produce, I decided to just ask my doc how much the baby weighs right now. Take that, preggy books! 

Weight Gain: Twenty-one pounds. Note: This is a Pre-Valentine's-Day-candy number.

Cravings: Laffy Taffy.

Sleep: At night I pee, and lay down a few times to sleep.

Belly Button: Does not resemble that of an Earthling's.

Best Moment This Week: Hearing the baby's heartbeat! 144, which it has been the last three doctor appointments. 

Looking Forward To: Valentine's Day! I know, barf - right? But after a decade of boycotting, DH and I decided that it is absurd that we do not celebrate a holiday dedicated to candy and sex. (However, we will continue to sneer/mock/judge commercials that imply blood diamonds are the only true measure of lurrrve.)

Bumpdate: Week 33!

But babies aren't covered in those little spiky edges when they come out, right?

If This Baby Was in the Produce Department, It Would Be... getting pinched by old ladies. Oh! You mean a size reference. Well, a pineapple. See what I did there with my picture? 

Weight Gain: Holding firm with my twenty pounds, despite my valiant efforts to taste every flavor that Breyers® makes. (Girl Scout Samoas FTW.)

Cravings: Well, this pineapple is looking pretty good.

Sleep: Eh.

Belly Button: Is peeking out to say hello.

Symptoms: I'm still fairly boring. In fact, but for that first trimester bout of morning sickness, this giant pineapple-infused bump, and one extremely erotic dream starring Patton Oswalt, things are pretty much same-old, same-old.

Best Moment This Week: Um, I think I covered this with the Saved by the Bell skit on Jimmy Fallon. 

Looking Forward To: The Walking Dead returning on Sunday night! And Better Call Saul! God, I love TV.

Bumpdate: Week 32 (The Ohmigosh-This-Is-Going-Way-Too-Fast-Edition)

Mere weeks away from a doctor shoving a baby in my arms, with little more instruction than "Congratulations. Try to keep it alive and from growing up to hate you."

I know I've missed a couple of weeks of these bumpdates. But as I cautioned you before, I'm very lazy. And I've been juggling the release of FIFTEEN, which is almost as exciting and terrifying as this pregnancy. (This is also my shameless, pitiful plug for you to add it, rate it, buy it, review it in exchange for my undying gratitude.)

If This Baby Was a Veggie, It Would Be A... Jicama. My God, these baby books are stupid informative.

Weight Gain: Twenty Pounds! Doc called it a "modest" weight gain, because clearly he works on tips.

Cravings: Double Decker Chocolate Cake. Which I made yesterday.

Sleep: I slept through the entire night on Sunday. When I got up, I had to pee like a [there is no ladylike simile applicable here], but it was still pretty cool.

Belly Button: Is technically not out yet, but you sure can see it underneath all of my shirts. And hey, it really does look like a button.

Symptoms: Things are still relatively easy, except I've been getting indigestion from all of my favorite foods and the occasional crippling leg cramp. Both of which my doc told me Tums will help - weird, huh?

Best Moment This Week: My husband referring to Group B as "Strep butt."

Looking Forward To: The Super Bowl! For the food, of course.

Bumpdate: Week 28

Warning: the button on these jeans is under extreme pressure.

The baby is the size of... an eggplant. Which gives me some serious Coneheads flashbacks. Anyone? No? That movie is so underrated.

Cravings: I got nothing. I'm telling you, I am the world's most boring preggo.

Weight gain: Fifteen pounds.

Annoying people are... asking (with horror stricken faces) how I'm able to shop for a baby without knowing its gender.

Not-annoying people are... keeping their opinions to themselves.

I'm freaking out because... I'm officially in the third trimester. I don't feel nearly Mom-ish enough yet. Quick! To the station wagon and Dress Barn!

Bumpdate: Week 26

Baby is the size of... English cucumber. I'm sure that wild night at the VeggieTales afterparty about five and a half months ago is totally unrelated.

Weight gain... scale says thirteen pounds, but it feels like that number should be inverted.

I'm bitchy because... a cashier asked me if I was having a Christmas baby or a New Year's baby. I replied, "Um... I'm not due until March. Late March." (To which her eyes bulged and she informed that I was going to "pop.")

Maternity clothes... I will be squeezing into my Grinch t-shirt this week, even if it means he looks more like Horton.

I'm looking forward to... CHRISTMAS!

Bumpdate: Week 25

I've had my fill of these weekly photo sessions, and my waistband has had its fill of me.

Baby is the size of a... a rutabaga. Fun fact: I have no idea what a rutabaga is. New fun fact: Apparently, it's just a turnip. Why not just say turnip, baby books?!

Weight gain: Fourteen pounds.

Exercise: Walking one mile a day, prenatal pilates three times a week.

A video simulation of my pilates class

Maternity clothes: Oh, how I hate maternity jeans. At first, I was excited that they make jeans with an elastic waist because - ELASTIC WAIST JEANS! JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS! But the thing about elastic is what goes out, also goes down. Which means with each step, they sag, and sag, and sag... until I have to oh-so-gracefully pull them back up in the middle of the mall. Classy.

Belly button: I guess I thought it was going to pop out like a Jack-in-the-Box, but instead, it seems to be slowly unfolding itself from the top down. (It's freaky.)

Sleep: Very tired this week. Supposedly, this is when my energy should be back. I think those baby books should be filed in the fiction section.

Cravings: Just lots of cold stuff. Ice water, iced tea, ice cream.

Movement: Hmm...

My latest ultrasound.

I miss... getting up off the couch without grunting.

Bumpdate: Week 21!

Alternate post title: My jeans are beginning to lose the battle against my belly.

Baby is the size of a... a carrot. Wait, a carrot? Is that an organic carrot? A baby carrot? Does it include the leaf? The roots? These books really need to be more specific.

Weight gain: Ten pounds.

Exercise: Still hitting the treadmill for daily walks, albeit begrudgingly.

Stretch marks: Not yet. I keep oiling myself up like a watermelon at the public pool.

Maternity clothes: When I'm not wearing my pajamas, so... rarely.

Belly button: Still in, but it is looking a lot more shallow than it used to.

Sleep: Yes, please.

Cravings: Where are those Red Vines?!?

Symptoms: Pretty much none. Does that mean I'm in line for a L&D from hell?

Movement: A few bouts of baby kicks here and there, but still pretty subtle.

I miss... sleeping on my back.

I'm looking forward to...our babymoon! I know, I know, you'll miss me. But this is the last non-Mickey vacation that Mr. Jen and I are going to be able to take for a very long time.

Bumpdate: Week 18!

So since the positive pregnancy test, Mr. Jen and I have been taking these lovely weekly pics of my pregnancy bump that felt very strange given as how I had no bump. I felt even stranger sharing them, which is why I haven't. But as I entered Week 18... it happened! At first I thought I just ate too much guacamole, but the bump appears to be here to stay. I'm so excited to finally have some pregnancy street cred and plan to post semi-sporadic updates from here on out. Emphasis on the semi-sporadic - I'm very lazy.

• How far along: 18 weeks.
• Symptoms: Um... I'm really thirsty? Is that a thing?
• Belly button: Still there. Oh, and still in.
• Wedding Rings: They still fit, but I still forget to wear them most days.
• Exercise: Walking on the treadmill every day, but only a mile. I told you I was lazy.
• Sleep: No more sleeping on my back! Three-point-turns just to change sides! Waking up at 2:00 a.m. to pee! I think this is Mother Nature's way of preparing future moms for sleep deprivation.
• Cravings: Very disappointed to have nothing to add here. No pickles, no dirt. I wouldn't say no to some Red Vines, I guess.
• Looking Forward to: My ultrasound in a couple of weeks, even though we aren't going to find out the gender. #TeamGreen baby, baby!